La Douleur Exquise

**Disclaimer** I apologize now if this entry is very Carrie Bradshaw-esque, but sometimes her style is just the only way for me to write. I think she has become my default setting. Yikes, now that is when you know you have watched too much Sex and the City!

Well I am writing this at 1:43 in the morning when I absolutely should be sleeping since I have to get up for work tomorrow, but I can't sleep with all these crazy thoughts jumping around in my head and I need to let them out. So anyways, here is the situation that has kept me tossing and turning tonight. I found out via facebook today that my ex lost his uncle in a tragic motorcycle accident this weekend, and I just felt unjustifiably sad. I mean, yes, I knew him, but not terribly well. I knew he was a wonderfully kind man with one of the most generous hearts of any person I had ever met. But, that was pretty much the extent of my knowledge, and yet I felt crushed when I heard the news. I was deeply sad for my old friend's loss, and even more so for his mother's loss as she had already lost a sibling and didn't deserve to suffer another loss, not that anyone ever deserves to suffer a tragedy like this. I told myself that there would be no tears, because this was not my loss. I could feel sad for this wonderful family, but that was as much emotion as I was going to allow myself to expend, because as Ms. Bradshaw says you are only allowed a certain number of tears on every man, and trust me my bank account on this one was already way overdrawn. But, apparently my tear ducts did not feel the same way and I just started to cry. And once it started it just wasn't stopping. I tried to convince myself that the tears were ok because I was crying for a life that ended too soon, but I knew deep down that I was crying for so much more. In reality I was crying for my lost relationship. And I don't mean the loss of a boyfriend, but a far greater relationship. The loss of the person who for three years was my rock, my support system, my everything. I cried for my lost friendship. For the fact that I was so far removed from his life that I had to even wonder if it was ok to send him a very short condolence email. I cried for the fact that I hardly knew him anymore. The boy who I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with was a total stranger to me. So I cried. I cried over a boy who I am completely over and have been over for some time now. Yet, there I was crying over him- something I hadn't done in a looooooong time. But I knew it had nothing to do with unresolved feelings for him, but for my own inability to keep the friend after losing the boyfriend- something I have never accomplished. Yes, I know that I have only had three opportunities in which to do so, but any statistician will tell you that anyway you slice it, a record of 0-3 just can't be spun into a good thing. It just seems like such a waste to throw away all the years of built up bonding and shared memories, but for me at least the cost of maintaining a friendship after a failed relationship is always just a little too expensive. And I just couldn't help but wonder... What pricetags are we willing to pay in a relationship?